march 4th 2009 column

REFLECTIONS
By
John Holthe
Ponderous ponderation #1
Don’t you think hot water heaters should be called cold water heaters?
I mean, if the water is already hot is there really a need to heat it?
The above ponderation was given to me by my good friend and physical therapist K.C. I’m using his initials because he doesn’t want all the paparazzi to make his life miserable if his name appears in the paper. If any of you readers want the same anonymity when you send your jokes to joenathan37@yahoo.com then I’ll be more than happy to extend it to you for a small fee of 100 billion dollars and 72 cents. I have some more ponderations to share with you, but they’ll appear at the end of the column.
Right now, I’d like to share some news stories with you and I like to start with the one with the headline of “Police find cocaine and marijuana in woman's bra”. I guess we now know where the term “Drug Bust” comes from, don’t we? Another news story I found said that Los Angeles County is going to try to make the first week of March a cuss-free week. I guess for those sevens days all of the dams in the county will have to be referred to as darns.
Los Angeles also made the news as being the most congested city in the United States. I don’t know what information this ranking is based on because, from the sound of everybody coughing and sneezing around here, the City of Altus is pretty congested, too. Speaking of the City of Altus, I saw a sign the other day at the Altus McDonald’s that didn’t quite sound right. The sign isn’t nasty or anything like that, but it does advertise a certain price for cappuccinos “All day-anytime”. First of all, isn’t “All day” and “anytime” the same thing? I freely admit that I am not the smartest guy in the world, but I can’t think of a time of day that would not be included in the phrase “All day”, can you?
Second of all, the cappuccinos are supposed to be available “All day-anytime”, but McDonald’s closes at 11:30 p.m. So, wouldn’t the fact that the store is closed contradict the “All day-anytime” specifications of this sales pitch? I think Ronald McDonald ought to rephrase this sign or he might get in trouble for false advertising.
That sign reminds me of another sign I saw in a restaurant once. It said “Food like your mother used to make”. I’m like “That’s not a very good way to advertise their food. What if a person’s mom made really bad-tasting food? They’ll look at that sign, make their yucky face and leave the restaurant.”
Speaking of making yucky faces, I made mine when I read the headline “Blagojevich plans book on 'dark side of politics”. I have a feeling that’s going to be one of the longest books ever written because, as far as I’m concerned, there is no light side of politics.
Thankfully, there is a light side to life as demonstrated by these ponderations sent to me by my good friend and identical twin Shirley Mansfield:
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
8. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
9. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle??