march 4th 2009 column

REFLECTIONS
By
John Holthe
Ponderous ponderation #1
Don’t you think hot water heaters should be called cold water heaters?
I mean, if the water is already hot is there really a need to heat it?
The above ponderation was given to me by my good friend and physical therapist K.C. I’m using his initials because he doesn’t want all the paparazzi to make his life miserable if his name appears in the paper. If any of you readers want the same anonymity when you send your jokes to joenathan37@yahoo.com then I’ll be more than happy to extend it to you for a small fee of 100 billion dollars and 72 cents. I have some more ponderations to share with you, but they’ll appear at the end of the column.
Right now, I’d like to share some news stories with you and I like to start with the one with the headline of “Police find cocaine and marijuana in woman's bra”. I guess we now know where the term “Drug Bust” comes from, don’t we? Another news story I found said that Los Angeles County is going to try to make the first week of March a cuss-free week. I guess for those sevens days all of the dams in the county will have to be referred to as darns.
Los Angeles also made the news as being the most congested city in the United States. I don’t know what information this ranking is based on because, from the sound of everybody coughing and sneezing around here, the City of Altus is pretty congested, too. Speaking of the City of Altus, I saw a sign the other day at the Altus McDonald’s that didn’t quite sound right. The sign isn’t nasty or anything like that, but it does advertise a certain price for cappuccinos “All day-anytime”. First of all, isn’t “All day” and “anytime” the same thing? I freely admit that I am not the smartest guy in the world, but I can’t think of a time of day that would not be included in the phrase “All day”, can you?
Second of all, the cappuccinos are supposed to be available “All day-anytime”, but McDonald’s closes at 11:30 p.m. So, wouldn’t the fact that the store is closed contradict the “All day-anytime” specifications of this sales pitch? I think Ronald McDonald ought to rephrase this sign or he might get in trouble for false advertising.
That sign reminds me of another sign I saw in a restaurant once. It said “Food like your mother used to make”. I’m like “That’s not a very good way to advertise their food. What if a person’s mom made really bad-tasting food? They’ll look at that sign, make their yucky face and leave the restaurant.”
Speaking of making yucky faces, I made mine when I read the headline “Blagojevich plans book on 'dark side of politics”. I have a feeling that’s going to be one of the longest books ever written because, as far as I’m concerned, there is no light side of politics.
Thankfully, there is a light side to life as demonstrated by these ponderations sent to me by my good friend and identical twin Shirley Mansfield:
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
8. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
9. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle??

the first column I ever wrote--The Freshman Guide To Being Cool-sept 10, 1992

REFLECTIONS

by

John Holthe

Amid the concrete jungles of SWOSU exists a creature known as first-yearus Freshmanus. These creatures exhibit a potential for high intelligence and a place in modern society if it weren't for the fact that they are not as cool as the Second-yearus Sophomorus, the Just-about-outtahereus Juniorus and the Sogladus-I-graduatedus Seniorus.

In an attempt to "coolify" these creatures, upper class-men have voiced these tips.

1. Barhopping will not fulfill your PE requirements.

2. Get involved with an organization like a fraternity or sorority. (The KKK is not a fraternity.)

3. There is no female freshman welcoming committee.

4. Information to get to a building should not cost money.

5. Don't ask the librarian how come they don't carry Playboy or Playgirl magazines.

6. If you fall down, blame it on a piece of fallen ozone layer.

7. Don't tell people your major is male or female anatomy.

8. Never announce that you have food in your room.

9. Don't get drunk before a test.

10. Don't carry a map and compass when going to class.

11. if you are in the restroom in Neff Hall or Stewart Hall, yell "Incoming!" when flushing the toilet if someone is in the shower when the toilet needs flushing.

12. Don't look for "the subway".

13. Don't write a letter to yourself just to get mail.

14. Don't spend time on the phone asking, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

15. Do not be surprised if most of the faculty has the first name of Dean.

16. Your backpack should not weigh more than you do.

17. Do not be surprised to learn that Microbiology is the study of short people.

18. Don't remind teachers if they forgot to assign homework.

19. Don't address a faculty member as "Dude".

20. Never console a football player who just lost the championship game by saying, "It's just a game."

21. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you really need it because we were all Freshmen once-several were twice. Oh, by the way, you're backpack is supposede to fit over just one shoulder.